tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30291272011-04-21T20:44:22.432-07:00HCL Version 2.1 - PhoenixA Cautionary Tale of a Life Lived with the Minimum of Rational DiscretionHCLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02492979281464895910noreply@blogger.comBlogger5391100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1118860346826570422005-06-15T11:06:00.000-07:002005-06-15T11:32:26.880-07:00Everything old is just sleeping waiting to be new again, everything new is just one second from becoming oldGive me a sec here - I'm in a real foul fuckin' mood.My neighbors are taking me to court over my dogs barking. BARKING. Mind you I'm not one of those guys who has a rusty old bloodhound tied to a tree who he beats once a weeek - I have two beautiful yellow labs and a gorgeous golden Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1118421372903966852005-06-10T09:34:00.000-07:002005-06-10T09:36:12.913-07:00Really - REALLY - Hung Over.And for some reason I have all this salt in my hair.What's worse than being dragged on stage by a drag queen during bingo?Um, being dragged backstage.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1117836869001300062005-06-03T15:06:00.000-07:002005-06-03T15:14:29.006-07:00Ok - kinda sucks, I'm all hyper to write lately and talk about the so many things happening in my world and my Cox cable connection at home is for shit. Has to be the drivers or cable modem - pissing the shit out of me though. So anyway, when I said I was back to writing I meant it...maybe I'll write the files and then just upload the files when I get to work.I'm in a good space. Given myself tilAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1117227898034431652005-05-27T13:59:00.000-07:002005-05-27T14:04:58.043-07:00Dear GOD and/or Anonynmous poster - glad you're so fascinated by my life - don't worry one day you to may have a life - doubtful, but dream big - now that American Idol is done it's run you MUST have TONS of time on your hands.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1116626797195827282005-05-20T15:05:00.000-07:002005-05-20T15:06:37.196-07:00Ok, good news - bad news. I finally added links bad in but down have time to tweak with the font size and picked them up from a really, REALLY old template. God knows how many of the links even work.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1116447385642655422005-05-18T13:13:00.000-07:002005-05-18T13:16:25.650-07:00Oh and BTW - I meant to say an extremely sincere thank you to those adorable bloggers who never take you off their link-love-list, even when your admittedly dreadful about consistently writing. It's like the old adage about leaving a candle burning, it makes you feel cared for. And YES, I'm a dork - I need to add LINKS back on to my page and the favor will be returned.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1116445633522482572005-05-18T11:28:00.000-07:002005-05-18T13:17:02.546-07:00I'm hungover and bored. Just not in the mood to work today. The office is empty and I find myself ignoring the dosseir (sp?) I need to put together for the lawsuit, accounts receivable reporting I need to update to finish my Q1 reporting for the CPA, death threats I need to make to people who owe my company way too much money and an IN basket that would strike fear in the hearts of many a Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1116308370793059962005-05-16T22:31:00.000-07:002005-05-16T22:39:30.793-07:00Things seem very helter-skelter of late. My best friend V. is coming intown this week for a funeral. One of those random connections - not her, but the poor guy who passed away, that bring your frineds back even though it's starting to hit 100 degrees here.The first few weeks when the heat comes on in Arizona makes everyone excessively cranky - I would probably compare it to the mind set they Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1116135811686637992005-05-14T22:26:00.000-07:002005-05-14T22:46:10.953-07:00....so here it is....once again...what am I blogging about...when I started doing this back in 2001 - Crap that's frigging 4 years ago, I think I wanted to reach out, wanted to meet people - I was living in Milwaukee, working in Advertising and was bored. Then it steamrolled into an opportunity to chronicle a time of huge transition in my my life with wonderful highs and some devastating lows...Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1109788056820164992005-03-02T11:14:00.000-07:002005-03-02T11:36:00.413-07:00One of my buddies came to me today and told me a little story about he and a friend getting smeared on a bloggers site and that the guy had posted a picture of them calling them "assholes". I thought that's retarded a blogger wouldn't do that it's so tacky. When I started blogging a few years and over 150,000 hits ago I always wrote in a very personal nature of deeply personal events or of the Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1106636296118737342005-01-24T23:50:00.000-07:002005-01-24T23:58:16.116-07:00SFO was fun....and a really good kick to the ass of my ego. The boiz at Mezzanine
I believe it was called were really, really fucking hot. I'm kicking myself for not playing with any of them but EJ and I were sharing a room and I think three-ways are probably not the best Boss-Employee bonding time. I frigging blew so much cash shopping - I really have to admit I just love new threads. The new Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1106314303313900742005-01-21T06:16:00.000-07:002005-01-21T07:01:12.526-07:00I'm a shit - u can say it, go ahead - I'm a shit - I don't write, we don't talk, I don't return calls..ugh.
Everything is as usual - unusual. A frantic, fragile, hectic, happy, bullshit - pace.
I will buy the comapny I work for in now - just 11 months, things there are stressful and a constant reminder I really want to retire young. Broke up with a beautiful, latino boy I had been dating for Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1104035408603437992004-12-25T21:03:00.000-07:002004-12-25T21:30:08.603-07:00Hope keeeps nudging against my hand as I type. The remnants of salty-delicious-cashews must still linger on my typing fingers. Another Christmas, dysfunc-funk-tional lullaby. Pulling myself from watching "The L Word", three beautiful blond labradours asleep around me - I should go to that party, maybe there's a mister right there - but I sip on my Absolut Manadarin and White Peach Cranberry and Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1100533667607770192004-11-15T08:36:00.000-07:002004-11-15T08:47:47.606-07:00Out of town guests got me back in to the world.
Lots of interesting connections this past weekend, layers of friends, over layers of friends, over layers of friends - did Friendster explode or something ? It made for a "how- well - threaded - is - all - this - shit - anyway" weekend.
I asked two men for dates, let's see where that goes, maybe it's time I tried to love something more than than Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1099532442805093722004-11-03T18:20:00.000-07:002004-11-03T18:40:42.806-07:00I'm back.
Australia was absolu-friggin-mazing !
I slept alot. I drank. I snorkeled. I made friends. I made even more friends. I hiked the rain forest. I learned. I got sunburned. I got drunk. I got bitten (Damn! their flies bite hard and draw blood). I swam with a shark amongst one of the seven wonders of the world. I met some at bars too. Sydney was lovely. Beautiful and historic, Flashy and Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1097733529843591452004-10-13T22:39:00.000-07:002004-10-13T22:58:49.843-07:00So two friends and myself treked down to Tempe Town Lake to the Democrat - slash - third debate rally. What a nightmare. I mean, tell us up front if what you mean by "print your tickets online" means - when you show up, thanks for the head count, but sorry we're still letting people in with mystery tickets that the rest of us Democrats couldn't figure out where they got them.
Packed up the boys Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1097302065536103322004-10-08T23:00:00.000-07:002004-10-08T23:07:45.536-07:00dudes...totally decided to get fucked up, bumped up tonight, on the viewing itinerary:
First watch "SAVED"
Second watch "Passion of the Christ"
Third watch "Passion of the Jew - South Park"
I am having a religious moment.
Boy my heads (actually nose) is gonna hurt tommorrow.
Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1096838957872889912004-10-03T14:27:00.000-07:002004-10-03T14:29:17.873-07:00...easier then retyping the whole thing - my weekend-in-a-nutshell:
From : Kurt *********
Sent : Sunday, October 3, 2004 9:25 PM
To : s*********@cox.net
CC : t*********@aol.com
Subject : RE: testing 1-2-3
| | | Inbox
Beautiful Maddie and Handsome Steven:
Hey Kids - we'll see if this works, let's just admit it AOL and Microsoft hate each other!
I do also have a work Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1096380743510870262004-09-28T07:08:00.000-07:002004-09-28T07:12:23.510-07:00...stressed-out lately, happy, content, feel good, but work is a stressor beyond belief.
Can't believe I'll be in Australia in less than a month...everything is set except for Visa's, I'll get that done this week.
The landscape construction, demo, whatever it's called is in full - suck - swing - more sucking - yeah, that's my wallet getting the job, not me unfortunately. Hopefully the front Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1095739111280981072004-09-20T20:56:00.000-07:002004-09-20T20:58:31.280-07:00Every now and then my "big fag" alter ego slips out into the light of day...like just now as I paid over $300 a ticket to see the one, the delovely, the devine Ms Bette Midler in November.
Never seen her and sick of talking to people who have.
Floor seats. 5th row. November 27th.
Smell me.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1095526987632470392004-09-18T09:59:00.000-07:002004-09-18T10:04:07.396-07:00trapped.
Left my cell phone at work and I'm out of contact with the outside world, their jackhammering my drive as we speak as part of the new landscaping project so my car sits in the garage. No communication and no method of transportation.
Oh how did the pioneers do it?
I have a cocktail party at 5pm and a formal dinner - slash- Democratic fundraiser at 8pm - all this and nothing to wear Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1095226293875473682004-09-14T22:27:00.000-07:002004-09-14T22:34:30.483-07:00Feel me burn
I live - somewhat trepidly, but more daring
I have flames falling back from my brow
Icarus with purpose
foolish, with more delight
greater determination
more sense of pain
more significant sense of living
(of life)
I blaze
and it
burns ever so magnificently.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1094838511152433712004-09-10T10:46:00.000-07:002004-09-10T10:48:31.153-07:00Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1094794101794630592004-09-09T22:15:00.000-07:002004-09-09T22:32:00.170-07:00This week was a blur.
Last weekend was all boozing and parties; looking to be a little more domesticated this weekend. Meet with the landscape architect on Saturday morning, very exciting - I love my home, but it has boring, curb appeal. Hit the Gym three times this week, light booze, no drugs, head feels pretty clear...I'm getting a little concerned about the extra 15 lbs I seem to have aroundAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1094178531562931602004-09-02T19:24:00.000-07:002004-09-02T19:28:51.563-07:00The Devil wore a black suit and a blue tie...
standing at the majestic podium made for him this night he spout lies:
"Extend frontiers of freedom"
"Expanding liberty"
and "A government that allowed the people to make the decisions that guided their lives"
A am a gay man, the Devil won't offer me freedom of choice in my loved ones, my tax-bracket, my future and my liberties.
In fact the Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1094005669152930312004-08-31T19:20:00.000-07:002004-08-31T19:31:10.720-07:00I just listened to Arnie-nator speak at the Republican Convention - I am so deeply disgusted that I can't even consider making a list of every shallow, empty, statement that he made.
It made me think though of that person that you've worked with at least once in your life - nice enough, smart enough, friendly enough - the one who makes sure you see them give a buck to a charitable donation (Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1093664605691065582004-08-27T20:39:00.000-07:002004-08-27T20:44:14.916-07:00It's good to report that I've been feeling great.
I truly feel like I just finished a book and now I'm ready for another, more challenging, more exciting, sexier, funnier, romantic, powerful, life-affirming book.
The second half of my life has truly just started.
Booked my tickets for Halloween in Australia. Doing the great barrier reef and the rain forest in Caryns and then a week of sluttingAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1093102339896333042004-08-21T08:30:00.000-07:002004-08-21T08:32:19.896-07:00House guests.
Muddy Dogs.
Hangover.
Red eyes.
Black coffee.
Breakfast is ready, but I'm dying to go back to bed.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1092784857730568912004-08-17T16:08:00.000-07:002004-08-17T16:49:30.666-07:00...drove back in safely from Palm Springs yesterday and back in to the maddening clutches of the business and a hectic-life-as-usual/unusual. A huge monsoon played havoc with Phoenix last night and my yard calls out to the three neglected hounds - "bath in me, roll in me, roll to the back door and then through - there is a carpet calling your names", I finally gave in and resolved to tear out Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1092393814102060772004-08-13T03:16:00.000-07:002004-08-13T04:07:47.513-07:00So here it is, and here am I
The one year mark.
I awoke and even then it wasn't real, I went to the spot where I found you and I sat down - alone and naked - and waited.
Did I expect your return?
Did I think there would be ghostly vengeance ?
No, probably neither.
I've been living in shadows for months, knowing that this day had to come.
Imitating your ghost, by becoming one myself.
I Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1092003338894838572004-08-08T15:12:00.000-07:002004-08-08T15:15:38.893-07:00Goin up to the mountains to see John Kerry speak on his "whistle-stop" tour of America tonight.
If you haven't seen it - see "A Home at the End of The World", my fucking god - who knew that Colin Firth could act - and be so damn lovable and beautiful while doing it - I'm a pig so I'll be rushing to the movie store when it's DVD version is released so I can freeze-frame the much talked about (Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1091764834285688192004-08-05T20:15:00.000-07:002004-08-05T21:23:45.623-07:00GHOST
If a house can be haunted, can I ?
So begins the story of the last two months of the year of living dangerously. Though I guess knowing a bit about the months that lead up to them is required.
I've been raked over the coals for being to depressing, too real, self-destructive, indulgent and well - I guess I should warn you, the following passage is no different - so change the channel if Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1091676116570443122004-08-04T20:19:00.000-07:002004-08-04T20:21:56.570-07:00
One man, three dirty dogs and a bath tub.
Exhausted.
Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1091557866882691202004-08-03T11:19:00.000-07:002004-08-03T11:37:40.143-07:00I need to sit down and write - there is so much to write, but it deserves it's moment and I want to express all that's been going on in my life and my head accurately.
One day I will re-read these words and that is the greatest purpose of my writing - as powerful as the ability to connect with others over like experiences, dreams and pain; so I can look back and understood who I was and what I Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1090558344512118342004-07-22T21:45:00.000-07:002004-07-22T21:52:24.513-07:00I went - and it was good.
Very, very good.
C and I laughed and traded barbs - I can't believe how fucking pale I've become - a ghost of my former self in many ways I guess. I decided not to weigh myself - I really don't want to know, I'll do it in four weeks. We're gonna go again on Saturday - C's making a pact with me to get back 4 days a week. Take it easy - make it fun - just get back to Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1090549232534593182004-07-22T19:11:00.000-07:002004-07-22T19:20:32.533-07:00alrighty - news alert - after a self-imposed, body-neglecting hiatus - I'm starting back to the gym tonight; it doesn't take Mr. Science to figure out that blowing off the gym for two months and investing that time in boozing, crap food etc. haven't done wonders for my morale or gotten me through this emotional rough period - at first I told myself that the aspect of replacing gym time with Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1090208940427446772004-07-18T20:21:00.000-07:002004-07-18T20:49:00.426-07:00...sometimes I shut down for a little while - hold up on my couch with a varsity bumper up my nose and some Vodka in my belly and stop interacting, with this blog, my family, my friends...and in all viens I am plagued by the same feeling - talking about the pain - shuts people out.
But then there I sit, many layers deep in a K-hole, drunk and too messy to answer the phone - and the phone rings Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1089825027452987952004-07-14T10:04:00.000-07:002004-07-14T10:10:27.453-07:00Ok - a few too many people didn't read the last post close enough to realize that pic is me LAST year....I'm not EVEN gonna show you a pic of the new fat tummy! Anyway - Its this great excuse to constantly issue statements - "Ya know my age and my waist line have been in synch since my late twenties and now that I'm about to hit my mid-thirties - not so sure I like the evolving scale"
We had ourAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1089429391221641902004-07-09T20:11:00.000-07:002004-07-09T20:23:31.166-07:00
I'm one of those dumb shmucks who admits all his faults (like I would rip Augusten Burroughs out of rehab and stuff my cock down his throat - AND THEN tell him maybe I'm not good enough for him)...
This is the pic I put on Gay-waste-alot-of-my-friggin-time.com and well yeah the torso was looking pretty sweet - but as a college "reality" major - the tummy is well a little more bearish. A lot ofAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1089359973473636192004-07-09T00:31:00.000-07:002004-07-09T01:04:41.220-07:00So as mentioned by the biggest reason to be a top, I kinda double-posted the last entry - alright, ALRIGHT I was a little shook up, I mean first the gray chest hairs, then the NY Post makes a mistake and the one of the Olsen twins falls from grace - it's been a hard week!
So I went for sissy, fancy drinks at a high end straight bar with my best friend from Arizona who pointed out a few things toAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1089266455546090962004-07-07T22:32:00.000-07:002004-07-07T23:00:55.546-07:00(dance - a little, yeah to the right, now shake a little to the left)
I got stood up tonight, er -uh - STOOD UP.
I'll turn 35 in August and I find myself reflective - have I ever been blown off before ?
I mean certainly, I have - admit it everyone has, even if the uneasy other party later claims a "misunderstanding" - you know like the "temporary insanity defense" !
Though I have to admit - Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088999042223177642004-07-04T20:30:00.000-07:002004-07-04T21:20:17.010-07:00...are your REAL?
I admittedly had to giggle - think Catholic Girl, no panties, past her first kiss, well on her way to her first blow job - metallic-braced teeth rubbing on the Catholic Prep Quarterback's cock - giggle...when reading a comment on Joseph's site
I am in fact very real - I can be sexy, stupid, arrogant, charming, intense, pensive, vunerable, depressing, cruel, loving, guillable..Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088827571218333922004-07-02T20:36:00.000-07:002004-07-02T21:33:11.733-07:00Less than a couple of months after HERO died - I had an opportunity to fuck the hottest guy I have ever known. We used to always run into each other in my circuit party days and while the G - or K - or E played with my seratonin - I felt inextricably drawn to him. He was movie star handsome - but in an indie movie way - he was quiet, intelligent, confident and full of a sexual fire. He was Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088740182217677492004-07-01T20:35:00.000-07:002004-07-01T21:18:16.596-07:00So there I am starved - doing my least favorite activity as a single man:
Grocery Shopping
I mean seriously as a married man - it has this sweet flirtatious vibe:
Hey losers - Look I'm off the market, domestic bliss, I like the Starkist Tunafish Packets in the handy do it yourself, take-em and go packaging...him? Oh he loves the sensibly cut carrot sticks - I mean REALLY who has time to cut Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088658176835184342004-06-30T21:54:00.000-07:002004-06-30T22:02:56.836-07:00What is 'Luck' ?
I have always been divided on if I have it, or not.
At 34 - I have buried two boyfriends (both suicide) and more friends than I can mention, I have cried more than my share of tears, I have fallen more times than I deserve...but still my friends tell me how lucky I am, my job, my life, my family.
So what makes us lucky - the fact that we haven't ended up married to Britney ?? Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088647608914845632004-06-30T19:05:00.000-07:002004-06-30T19:06:48.913-07:00Let's face it - I'm single and I'm friggin horny - This weekend I work on a BIGMUSCLE.COM entry, boy needs some sugar - or even better protein.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088646404430984272004-06-30T18:32:00.000-07:002004-06-30T19:05:32.880-07:00Music is my mistress, holding me through bad times, getting me hard when I'm fucking, and rocking my hips to the dance floor when I need to create some sweat, here's a list from my recent shopping excursion to BORDERS (yeah - an Oooooh so hip music store, welcome to my thirties!)
Grandaddy - SUMDAY: Awesome, Reflective and Fun.
KD Lang - Live By Request: Well I am a dyke at heart.
Julie Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088576382516926592004-06-29T23:16:00.000-07:002004-06-29T23:19:42.516-07:00Ok feeling kinda stupid because my posts seem to only be showing up when I look at them in VIEW.
Jason - my thoughts are with you - your one of the few I really have spent any time with in person - and your as adorable and cool as any guy can imagine - to see you hurting, well it fuckin hurts.
My boss broke his hand and wrist while I was in LA so everything is in overdirve for me right now, Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088536954919956512004-06-29T12:21:00.000-07:002004-06-29T12:22:34.920-07:00You've got that look in your eye, Leo -- that slightly demented, fervently giddy expression I see in you every now and then. Judging from previous experience, I surmise you're about to either launch a brave quest to the frontiers of your understanding or else hurl yourself into a sticky abyss where all the demons adore you. You realize there's a difference, right? One is scary fun and the other Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088536163997978592004-06-29T11:58:00.000-07:002004-06-29T12:09:23.996-07:00Ok - back from La-La-Land.
I may have done one or ALL of the things from the following list:
Drank a wee too much
Drank way, way too fucking much
Had a five fucking hour delay on the outbound flight
Had sex with a complete stranger while he was at work with people passing by on a busy street
Fucked with a guys head
Run into my ex-roomate from college who I haven't laid eyes on in 8 years
SpentAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088098063876775992004-06-24T10:17:00.000-07:002004-06-24T10:27:43.876-07:00...so, uh through this whole little experience I picked up some old bad habits (INSERT HERE: Drugs), stopped some bad habits (INSERT HERE: Drinking heavily) - then round your partner, round and round - swapped bad habits.
I ponder this as I wake up this morning with my face buried in a suede seat cushion of my tv room couch that I'm kinda sleeping on - but more likely past out on several hours Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1088012272786676632004-06-23T10:24:00.000-07:002004-06-23T11:29:13.336-07:00Where do we go - when we only manage to disappear inside of ourselves?
Deeper and deeper under layers of hardened skin, worn muscles and aching bones to a place beyond life-bearing organs, fierce-pumping blood to find refuge within our battered soul.
I've been missing for quite awhile now, removed and distant. My apologies to my friends that I've been distant too - my grief didn't allow room Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1061417587957203762003-08-20T15:13:00.000-07:002003-08-20T20:25:38.723-07:00This is the worst entry that I have ever had to write.
This will also be the last entry I write at HCL.
On August 13th, the day before my 34th birthday - HERO ended his life.
As I slept, my dog Hope cuddling by my side, sickly-sweet smells of carbon monoxide filled my home. On the other side of my house, my black BMW sat idling in the dark pushing lethal gas into the garage and through an Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1060291375765087162003-08-07T14:22:00.000-07:002003-08-07T14:22:55.800-07:00Yep - truth is stranger than fiction.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1059869937154845562003-08-02T17:18:00.000-07:002003-08-02T17:18:57.186-07:00Every life should have a little "Hope"
Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1059675133007682272003-07-31T11:12:00.000-07:002003-07-31T11:12:13.096-07:00One entry found for codify.
Main Entry: cod·i·fy
Pronunciation: 'kä-d&-"fI, 'kO-
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -fied; -fy·ing
Date: circa 1800
1 : to reduce to a code
2 a : SYSTEMATIZE b : CLASSIFY
- cod·i·fi·abil·i·ty /"kä-d&-"fI-&-'bi-l&-tE, "kO-/ noun
- cod·i·fi·ca·tion /-f&-'kA-sh&n/ noun Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1059670735185614992003-07-31T09:58:00.000-07:002003-07-31T10:06:30.990-07:00Oh Yeah - Well FUCK you !!
Marriage is such a "HOLY" thing - that's why divorce is more prevelant then cargo pants, we suggest "tax credits" to "welfare mothers" to push them to marry, we televise "proposals based on competition" (Bachelor/Bachelorette), "marriage based on national audience participation" ( Married by America), and vie on the Today Show to chat with Katie Couric and have every Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1059538703057879772003-07-29T21:18:00.000-07:002003-07-29T21:28:28.166-07:00...and so it can be.
I looked at him, in many ways as I had so many times, yet - as if I never had before.
I had done it, I had sat through dinner and conversation with Lucky - and even at points enjoyed it. He could see it, I could tell.
I was genuinely happier, stronger, more optimistic to embrace a future that once frightened me.
He went to mention at the end that he knew. He had heard Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1059072291078433272003-07-24T11:44:00.000-07:002003-07-24T11:44:51.093-07:00...taking HERO to San Diego Pride, be back Monday. Y'all have a great weekend.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1058999511018120282003-07-23T15:31:00.000-07:002003-07-23T15:43:19.660-07:00The worst thing about an honest question is meeting it with an honest answer.
Often enough, because the solitary moment (s) that follow will be painful.
I made HERO cry last night.
I suppose I should follow the logic that I can’t make anyone feel or do anything, but in my response to his question, I gave HERO a “reason” to cry.
Intoxicated and somewhat brash, he asked me if I thought I Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1058914478338055562003-07-22T15:54:00.000-07:002003-07-22T15:54:38.340-07:00Howard Dean asks 16 questions, seems like he could have extended it to 116 - but then again George's attention span isn't that encompassing (and if there's a pretty ball of yarn around - expect him to answer no more than two questions)Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1058825659891031872003-07-21T15:14:00.000-07:002003-07-21T15:14:19.956-07:00Don'tcha hate it when some scandal erupts between your friends and your the one key person that everyone else feels comfortable divulging all the "true facts" too. Of course your sworn to secrecy by each individual party and you of course you live up to that - but everytime your cell rings you have to keep clicking back and forth between the relevant parties.
Where is Mary J. Blige to sing "No Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1058807177540983382003-07-21T10:06:00.000-07:002003-07-21T10:06:17.586-07:00Ok - I've been quiet this past week, which as always means somethings up.
HERO kinda pulled a stunt last week that I've tried to move past - but in all I think made me realize though he's a wonderful, wonderful guy - he's got so much to learn about being in a relationship and I'm not sure I really feel like being his testing ground. Now I might have forgotten to mention another hitch to this Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1058202119871325142003-07-14T10:01:00.000-07:002003-07-14T10:12:39.403-07:00.... all is well. HERO and I had a really good conversation on Friday afternoon - where instead of silence or holding back - I really explained how embarrassing the situation had been for me and how afterwards I lashed out merely out of personal insecurity and a need to regain some measure of control. When he looks in my eyes and speaks to me - I can see nestled among the crisp, ice blue flares Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1057952603605264212003-07-11T12:43:00.000-07:002003-07-11T13:02:14.346-07:00I think HERO and I had our first fight last night.
Well not really a fight - more like a "moment".
Not like a sexy moment - though it did happen during sex.
We'd been going at it for awhile and it was all hot and fun at first, but it was late and I was tired and we'd been drinking and I have to admit - and I hate to admit this - but I just wanted him to come already. Have I mentioned, er, Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1057856402072374052003-07-10T10:00:00.000-07:002003-07-10T10:01:43.123-07:00Sexier then Demi Moore (have you seen him in a Versace Thong !!!!) , more powerful then Terminator (actually I think Maria Shriver could take him in an arm wrestling match - unless it was over a sale item at Barneys) and as adorable as that little fish in Nemo (but so much tastier with a little garlic butter and lemon).........
He's back.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1057795608962838012003-07-09T17:06:00.000-07:002003-07-10T10:10:39.706-07:00Yes, I had a great time in LB. Met tons of new people and even made a stop at the Abbey in LA on the way up. More drinking though then even I was used to (think 9am - uh, well to 6am) - that with a ton of sun from West Beach and I was fairly under the weather come Sunday night. HERO looked after me with an ALOE VERA back-rub and some much needed cuddling.
Back to a hectic work life and for some Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1057794426546798652003-07-09T16:47:00.000-07:002003-07-09T16:47:44.353-07:00Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1057186177011747182003-07-02T15:49:00.000-07:002003-07-02T15:49:37.000-07:00HERO's coming down from Flagstaff tonight so I'm planning a romantic night at my favorite wine bar and italian restaurant. To be followed of course by a lot of hot sex. No - I'm not tossing out the "L" word yet and won't for quite awhile - though I have agreed to keep my dick in my pants this weekend in Laguna Beach with C. and T. for the 4th of July.
Have a great 4th - I'll write upon my Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1056993494561551242003-06-30T10:18:00.000-07:002003-06-30T10:26:14.723-07:00...with his grey-blue eyes framed by tears, HERO turned, trembling and looked at me and said the words:
I'm in love with you.
There. It's been done. No going back now.
It was late, there had been a lot drinking, pool party, birthday party, drinks with friends.
I would feel a sudden nervousness, a pang of anxiety when he would go off to the bathroom or when he was out of my sight. A sense of Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1056754976105500812003-06-27T16:02:00.000-07:002003-06-27T16:02:55.986-07:00...less blogging lately and much more living.
It's frightening to write these words, but there is a major reason for my absence and it's a boy. I've gone on dates with a lot of terrific guys since Lucky and I broke up and nothing compares to the time I spend with this guy. I'm calling him HERO, maybe because of how he acts or maybe because he's making me believe in something that I thought I Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1056153091638090432003-06-20T16:51:00.000-07:002003-06-20T16:51:31.503-07:00The last 48 hours have involved unbelievably fun, mucho, mucho caliente sex. I haven't put in peformances like these in years - I feel like I just ran the Boston Marathon. My lips feel like they have razor burn - my special visitor will be spending the night again on Saturday after Big C's bday extravaganza. Tonight out to dinner with all the boyz to kick off C's bday (I got him a tattoo for his Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1055867942090306822003-06-17T09:39:00.000-07:002003-06-17T09:39:51.870-07:00great, great weekend....will post some pics tomorrow.
Best friend V. came in town last night - here through tomorrow - so having a blast having the house guest.
....I'll get back into the swing of things later this week..... have a special lil visitor coming down from Flagstaff to see me tomorrow night (yeah - sex)Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1055609830173576322003-06-14T09:57:00.000-07:002003-06-14T09:57:10.166-07:00off to Pride in the Pines - Flagstaff....
Beer, Boyz, Friends, Beer, Boyz, Dancing, Beer, Boyz
I think I could use that.
Plus I rented a sexy black t-bird convertible to drive up to the mountains.
Have some fun this weekend.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-1055533611524378952003-06-13T12:46:00.000-07:002003-06-13T17:19:16.813-07:00Question: If pretty, young, Uber-Entrepreneurs, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were to be pitted in a Celebrity Death Match against everyones favorite "Glitteratti" siblings Paris and Nikki Hilton - who would win ?Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-955418482003-06-11T01:44:00.000-07:002003-06-11T01:44:47.000-07:00I've done a lot of crying over the past 48 hours, after reading this (from an email from Lucky I received tonight) I just started again....
I love you, I always have loved you and I know I always will love you. You are the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I have no doubts that I will. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but that day will come. Even if the years go byAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-955270082003-06-10T16:51:00.000-07:002003-06-10T16:51:58.143-07:00I got my response. I am still loved, and even more so - my motivations and feelings are understood.
That's all one can really hope for I suppose.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-955128672003-06-10T09:59:00.000-07:002003-06-10T10:01:18.000-07:00
From : "Kurt XXXXXXXX"
To : XXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com
Subject : Re: room assignments
Date : Tue, 10 Jun 2003 16:51:20 +0000
CT,
Bud....Lucky and I talked at length yesterday, and in all - the effect was pretty devastating for me. I cried pretty much the whole time and was shot for the rest of the day ending up in my bed at 6pm listening to Sarah McLachlan. There wasn't hate Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-954954242003-06-09T23:37:00.000-07:002003-06-09T23:38:55.000-07:00Sarah McLachlan
Surfacing (1997)
Do What You Have To Do
What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-954818482003-06-09T14:47:00.000-07:002003-06-09T14:47:43.243-07:00it's been a bad, bad day. I'm emotionally wiped out.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-954072002003-06-07T09:27:00.000-07:002003-06-07T09:55:54.000-07:00Blogger going downhill (scenes from Laguna Beach)....
More Misbehavin'Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-953999902003-06-06T23:22:00.000-07:002003-06-06T23:22:41.000-07:00Worth a bit of pain. I fucking love, LOVE my new tatt (an enlargement of the old tatt)....the fire and sun is burning bigger, better and bolder - hmmm, I think it means something, eh ?
Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-953773802003-06-06T10:06:00.000-07:002003-06-06T10:06:04.753-07:00.....so I was being nice and mellow at home waiting to check out the adorable Seann William Scott (damn that boy is looking fine - please tell me he was bending JT over backstage) when one of my friends decides to go off on me (actually let's call him "ex" friend) - I can't even remember the last time I've ever had a friend get mad at me - I think I was 28 or something - and unlike this - that Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-952860832003-06-04T08:01:00.000-07:002003-06-04T08:01:13.626-07:00"Maybe"
- Allison Krauss and Union Station
(Gordon Kennedy/Phil Madeira)
Yesterday the odds were stacked
In favor of my expectations
Flyin' above the rest
Never fallin' from the nest
Tuesday came and went and now
I'm in a little situation
Maybe it's for the best
I can live alone, I guess
Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home
Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-952166262003-06-02T18:54:00.000-07:002003-06-02T19:09:52.000-07:00I keep mullling these words over:
Be careful what you ask for
I would say "wish" but I gave up wishing a long time ago. The weekend was wonderful at the moments it wasn't meant to be and soul searching at all the wrong times. ASA (aka "The Brazilian") proved that nothing is what you hope it to be - he'll be gone by the next phone call. My wonderful, wonderful friends showed up in Laguna and Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-950949642003-05-30T13:21:00.000-07:002003-05-30T13:21:51.736-07:00uh - you so know you're sexually-harrassing me while I'm at work...
please don't stop.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-950170082003-05-28T19:18:00.000-07:002003-05-28T19:18:01.693-07:00Heeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee, Piggy-Piggy - here.........................Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-950102262003-05-28T16:07:00.000-07:002003-05-28T16:30:09.000-07:00Life is an endless series of kicks in the ass.
It seems nary a week goes by (did I just the word "nary" ??) that there doesn't seem to be something that makes you stop and think:
"It's just not supposed to make sense is it ?"
Exchanging emails with you today - I felt a subtle deflation of some of the idea's I had breathed air into.
Then I had a conversation with a close friend (Tp).
We had Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-949619082003-05-27T16:20:00.000-07:002003-05-27T17:04:56.000-07:00"Oh darling" she cajoled, "but you look wonderful in drama".
My head is kinda all over the place this past weekend. Maybe it's the heat, both outside - and unfortunately due to a fried compressor, inside my house.
I think - especially for those of us who have been through a plentitude of scorching, southwest summers - that we develop our own version of winter's S.A.D (Seasonal Attitude Disorder Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-948639802003-05-25T09:42:00.000-07:002003-05-25T09:46:37.000-07:00the weekend of warmth - heat's up.
I can now say with all honesty and C. as a witness that I have flirted with and been flirted with by a MLB Player. Ddidn't hurt that our seats for the game DBacks/Padres (pathetic game to boot) were lower level dugout seats (think home plate, crotch level, front row) - cute, cute, cute. Something about playing smiles, eye-hockey and playful banter with a guy Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-948382362003-05-24T13:55:00.000-07:002003-05-24T13:55:29.090-07:00...so how's your holiday weekend goin' ??
Good, Good.
Mine ??
Oh - well let's see it's about 157 degrees outside and my air conditioning blew last night while I was sleeping.
That's cool - they can have someone here by Tuesday.
Ice cubes anyone ??Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-947098632003-05-21T16:43:00.000-07:002003-05-21T16:46:06.000-07:00...the thing you DON'T have to know about me is ....
( see I hate that other phrase - "the thing you HAVE to know about me is ..." , I mean HEY - I don't have to know ANYTHING about you, and I mean if I want to - really, really mean to - then you should say - "the thing it would be nice if you wanted to learn about me is" - anyway, end of internal discussion...)
...when I'm quiet, somethings upAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-944735732003-05-16T15:35:00.000-07:002003-05-16T15:35:56.063-07:00On my way to Long Beach Pride. It's topping 100 degrees here today - so good time to get out of town. Looking to terrorize Silverlake tonight with one of my longest standing buddies - M. The Adorable South American (ASA) is going to be in LB as well this weekend. Looks like he'll have dinner with me and my friends on Saturday and then we're all going to do the Tony Moran party on the Queen Mary -Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-943459382003-05-14T12:57:00.000-07:002003-05-14T13:16:41.000-07:00Oh and BTW - I spaced on saying that today this lil blog of mine turned TWO years old. I'm a bad dad.
Happy Birthday. See how it started. I was kinda lame.Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-943441332003-05-14T12:20:00.000-07:002003-05-14T12:51:43.000-07:00Matters of the Heart
For all the times I've wondered if I even still have a heart - at least the $4,000 or so in testing I've had in the past week proves I have one - though it appears to be a little troubled. The good news is I'm good, I'm fine - the bad news is (and really in the right light it's good news because now I know) something did come up in all the testing.
What came up is called "Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-942767762003-05-13T10:40:00.000-07:002003-05-13T10:48:16.000-07:00no real time to blog, so random toughts:
You just rock. Cool, cute, laid back. You made more than one of my friends (at THE HOLE nonetheless) swoon - do bears/cubs swoon ? Anyway - our second meeting was even more enjoyable then the first. Hope ya got home safe.
I could have done without starting my weekend by getting a call from Lucky (the Ex) as I came off the plane. That's gonna be a whole Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-940629712003-05-09T10:28:00.000-07:002003-05-09T10:38:00.000-07:00...it seems I've spent my whole week receiving amazing emails from amazing people - I'm behind in getting back with everyone and I apologize. Hopping a flight in a couple hours to San Diego. Hope to do some thinking and deep talking with two of the most important people in my life, V. - my best friend since college and C. - my gay proxi-dad.
I may see this lovable rogue. Thank god I'll be on my Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-940205462003-05-08T16:58:00.000-07:002003-05-08T17:17:52.000-07:00With trepidition I feel myself coming clean with it.
I've been hiding. Not for days, not for weeks, for months. Many, many months.
I thought it all had started the day I broke up with Lucky - but I had been traveling that winding road for months before that. Did I start on that path last summer - the second time Lucky and I had broken up, or was it earlier - maybe when I was laid off from myAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-939498322003-05-07T14:18:00.000-07:002003-05-07T14:18:55.343-07:00Leo:
Robust individuals are feeling slightly fragile. There's no harm in taking refuge for a while until you feel up to speed. And when you decide to step outside, be advised that people are playing rough out there. Maybe your old sense of adventure will return once you get a taste of it. The surging and colliding of different types of energies could be exciting if you feel like taking the risk. Awnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3029127.post-939424762003-05-07T11:53:00.000-07:002003-05-07T12:03:08.000-07:00ThanksAwnry&Irishnoreply@blogger.com